feeling so down
just want to melt into the ground

lying in the bathtub
my body looks like a frog on its back

can't have everything
not even a friend like you

there seems to be no end
no rest for my old, broken spirit

so i feel good about the future but not about old age
i don't think i'll ever let myself turn into someone i don't want to be
i plan on dying before age 40

my childhood-the good years..lol:
red raspberry frozen wet smears on aphoulstry
child's laughter in background telephone rings
open sliding glass door gree grass yard folding chair
sand dry smooth dry dig cool sudd3n pain jerk arm swollen finger sting
looking up reach for rope ladder climb tree grab rough wood hoist ass up
windy cold night black sky filled with stars open space mouth hangs wide
we knew a secret made us giggle with glee not exactly knowing why did not care loved to smile
we could go anywhere together
running free across hilly pastures contagious combustable crow and grin
barefoot street indoor hardwood floors drafty absorbing magnetic couch coffee table
handstands cart wheels sidewalk in front of grandma's house






oh- you didn't know?
i get sentimental and like to write it on the internet sometimes even though it doesn't make that much sense to anyone?
yep.
i do that.
you are still reading this because?









415

shotgun double
hot mess
tall grass
dirt inbetween by toes.
grab the doorknob
wipe the feet
shake your skin.
drop kick my depression.
i look at the 19 years behind me.
fat bright lemons
sitting on the island.
black and white tiled kitchen floor
painted white brick chimney
chutes through the ceiling.
run up wooden stairs creaking
the sun stares through my window
and lights up the dust floating in the air.
roll on the carpet
laughter lightens the atmosphere
holds me in this house

thought that happens when:
you're driving fast down a windy, dark, desolate, tree-lined street
street car huffing and screeching by
smiling white teeth grinding eternal mask of madness binding infernal
danger crossing the train tracks in your mind
cruising...searching...stalking
your car becomes a shark in a sea with other predators
find a groove through the night
let literacy lead you to believe you're learned
a million other lights thoughts actions during that last stoplight
feeling wild and daring and crazed
keeping it inconspicuous
counting on the ridiculous
family, roots, and childhood live here in this bowl of a city
dancing amoung the shrubbery and shadows
safe under the cloak of night
you stealthily step against the cracked sidwalk
not a nickel in your pocket but free like barefeet
wouldn't trade your spot in this mess
cuz the view right now's the best
exhale the fire in your lungs
burnt taste of smoke in your mouth
as cold air rushes over the skin of your face
no destination sets the pace
keep your chin up
with your gloves up
don't think i'll ever really grow up
like a time bomb about to blow up
listening and waiting and anticipating
some event that will pull me away from these endless days

i feel the dread
weighing my thoughts down
down the stairs where
my dad is watching tv by himself
if you knew my dad you would know why this sucks

my heart sings!

so the world is no less confusing than yesteryear

so many people
so many ways of life

everyone who knows this legend of new orleans knows that 9 out of 10 people in a room will agree that this creature is what an angel would look like if it was carved out of the finest marble....yes this is a fact...i, however, am the 1 out of 10 people will disagree with this.... please feel to leave comments= i'm am interested in how many of my "friends" are like. me or like them.

is magical...
so here's to sleepless nights.

sufjan stevens..pretty good

ps- t hanks kris